Gentlemen. Dudes. Bros. The Elmira blog is about to get. Very. Very. Real. The info we’re about to share with you could have a serious impact on your happiness — or lack thereof — for the rest of the year. Ignore us and prepare for months of cold shoulders, sideways glances and general unrest. Listen to us — follow our lead — and you’re likely to enjoy the peace and contentment that only a properly executed Mother’s Day celebration can bring. Yup…we told you things are about to get real. It’s Mother’s Day Month!
Your wife is awesome. Maybe she gave you children. She puts up with your foolishness. It’s time for you and the kiddos to team up and give her the respect and recognition she deserves. (And yeah, we’re absolutely sucking up. Our moms read this blog too.) The great news is that it doesn’t take much to knock this special holiday out of the park. Just a little bit of effort — that’s on you — and some timely advice — which we’ve got covered for you here — and your wife will be telling all her friends that maybe she didn’t mess up after all when she decided to give you a home. (Just saying…)
ELMIRA PRO TIP #1: Your wife will tell you in the weeks before Mother’s Day: ‘You don’t have to do anything special. Mother’s Day is the same as any other day. It’s no big deal. Seriously. You don’t have to give me anything.’ This is a trap, guys, designed to lull the unwary, uber-literal man who can’t read minds into false complacency. Fall for this trick and she might literally kill you — okay, maybe not literally – but she might at least remind you of it every day forever.
Mother’s Day pregame starts May 1 — every day closer is another day wasted
More good news, boys. The quality of the Mother’s Day extravaganza — that incidentally will determine the quality of your life for the rest of the year — typically has nothing to do with the amount of money you spend. It’s all about forethought, effort and game day behavior. An expensive gift is nice, but not necessary. Here’s what to do instead.
Start with fresh flowers. Not ones that you pull from your neighbor’s yard, “borrow” from a local church garden, or — for your own physical well-being — ones that are fake. Drop a 20-spot at your local florist or grocery store for some actual smell-good flowers wrapped in attractive tissue paper or dropped in a vase. Extra points if they’re her favorite kind or in her favorite colors.
Store-bought cards are ok, but not the best. Drop another $20 on art supplies. We’re talking construction paper, glue, glitter, markers, paint pens, yarn, etc. Then, get the kids (it’s time these little free-loaders started earning their keep, right guys?) and kick off a four-alarm card making session in the basement (for privacy). No basement? Your team operates in the bathroom — no complaints.
ELMIRA PRO TIP #2: If you hook-slide your car into the parking lot of the local gas station on Mother’s Day morning in search of gifts and cards that might save the day, you will be terribly disappointed. You will return home with Snicker’s bars, $2 Merlot with a twist-off cap, a gallon of windshield wiper fluid, and some scratch-off lottery tickets. These, an acceptable Mother’s Day symbol do not make. No sympathy from Elmira. You should have started planning May 1 like we told you.
Mother’s Day starts the second you wake up — not five minutes after
Trust us when we say this. Open your eyes, kiss your wife and tell her how much you love her, call your own mom and say the same, wake and assemble the kids, and get your behind down to the kitchen. Do those things in order and immediately or the day might be unrecoverable. Because Mother’s Day starts when the sun rises. If not, she’ll think you’ve forgotten.
Unless, that is, you have one of those wives that enjoys sleeping in. If this is the case, allow her to do so. It’s your job to stare dutifully into her face while she sleeps until the exact moment she opens her eyes. This could take hours. Doesn’t matter. Just do it.
While the kids are screaming, dropping egg shells into the yolk, and covering the dogs in flour, simply fire up your Elmira Stove Works pro-style range and create this simple, delightful brunch-style quiche.
- 1 tablespoon olive oil
- 2 medium yellow onions, diced
- 4 eggs
- 3/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon pepper
- 1 cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
- 3/4 cup half-and-half
- 8 oz. Gruyere, grated (that’s a type of cheese, dude)
- 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
- 1 frozen piecrust in a tin
Heat oven to 375° F.
Heat oil in a large skillet over medium-low heat. Add onions, salt and pepper. Cover and cook onions 5 to 7 minutes. Add parsley and cook, covered, for 2 more minutes.
Whisk together the eggs and half-and-half. Stir in the Gruyere, nutmeg and onion mixture.
Place piecrust on a foil-lined baking sheet. Scrape egg mixture into the piecrust. Bake until filling is set and a knife inserted into center comes out clean, about 40 minutes. Let cool for 5 minutes. Cut into wedges and serve.
ELMIRA PRO TIP #3: Tailor this quiche to her tastes by adding in a handful of chopped cooked ham or sautéed vegetables when you add the cheese. Remember, fellas, it’s all about her today. Resist the ingrained male urge to add pulled pork barbeque, blood-rare steak, shelled pistachio nuts or light beer. We understand that’s how you’re programmed — just not today.
The rest of the Mother’s Day rules — ignore them at your own peril
As for the rest of the Mother’s Day rules and regulations, they’re pretty much standard operating procedure for what you would expect of a day on which you’re not the center. (After this list, continue reading to discover how to return things to a natural order once Mother’s Month is over.)
- You may not watch TV, look at your mobile phone or stay in the bathroom longer than a few minutes.
- You may not permit your wife to do any housework, talk about housework or even think about housework. (Yes, she expects you to know what she is thinking.)
- Like brunch, dinner is on you — either to be cooked yourself or, if you eat out, to decide where to take her.
- You may not work in the yard — your grass should have been mowed and edged before Mother’s Day. (Remember…May 1, son).
When you’ve officially survived Mother’s Month unscathed and with reputation intact, come back to Elmira for the must-have appliances to outfit your ultimate man cave. From keg fridges to retro microwaves to custom air-brushed fridges, we offer a unique line of specialty appliances that will congratulate you on a Mother’s Day well-done and restore life to its intended balance — which means making everything all about you again. Kidding. But not kidding.
And take heart – once you’ve reached the end of May… it’s only 18 days until Father’s Day!